


A Cold Ocean

by 5_0_5



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A MAJOR PLOT DEVICE, And like, Angst, Heavy Angst, It just seems that way, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Poor Bucky, Steve Needs a Hug, Suicidal Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, it is explicit, major therapy, tony isn't actually a dick in this, unsuccessfully of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27218476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5_0_5/pseuds/5_0_5
Summary: he wonders what it would've been like to die in the ice, like he should've. like he meant to. like he wanted. steve stares down at the water where he's sitting on the edge of a beach. he shivers, subconsciously. the cold ice of the arctic rushing back to him.in hindsight, it wasn't so bad.In which steve has suicidal tendencies and probably needs some help.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	A Cold Ocean

**Author's Note:**

> The suicide stuff isn't super explicit but it's there and the scene itself isn't actually in steves control and he does end up fine

steve is struggling. he can't quite remember a time when he wasn't, but he buries that thought with the rest of his.

he hurts in a way erskine and howard stark had never told him he wouldn't. he hurts in the way he did back in brooklyn, curled up in thin clothes under thin blankets in the winter, pressed up against bucky who was curled around him. 

he allowed himself those moments of ache, of the feeling of bucky's warmth as he slept and the knowledge that it would never be how he wanted it to be.

nothing is ever how he wants it to be.

more days than not, he wonders what it would've been like to die in the ice, like he should've. like he meant to. like he wanted. 

he wants bucky safe and bucky is safe but he wants tony safe too and he can't have both so he settles. he sends a letter.

he has the distinct feeling his letter is dropped in the trash, along with the phone, but he thinks at least i tried and moves on.

moves on as much as a struggling man with not much left can, at least.

because bucky is safe, is happy in wakanda and he knows t'challa will take care of him. because the rogues are finding ways to go home, to go to their families. 

and steve is struggling.

because for so long his life was fight and now it's wait. wait for things to change, wait for time to pass, wait for people to heal, wait. 

steve stares down at the water where he's sitting on the edge of a beach. he shivers, subconsciously. the cold ice of the arctic rushing back to him.

in hindsight, it wasn't so bad. it wasn't so bad when it happened either. funny how things aren't so bad in the beginning and the end, it's only the middle that confuses things. 

bucky would move on, he convinces himself. in fact, he'd be better without steve constantly reminding him of the past and what he lost.

he knows at least tony would sleep better.

maybe celebrate. he wouldn't begrudge him that, though. 

to the end of the line, huh? he thinks, and it hurts. somewhere just too close to his heart to ignore. neither of them made it to the end of the line like they should've. but bucky deserves his chance, and steve has wasted all of his own.

so he sits there looking out at the crashing waves of the water. it wouldn't be so bad, he thinks. 

wouldn't be so bad to die like he should've, he means. 

he is comforted in the most morbid of ways that he wouldn't be mourned so much as ridiculed. he deserves his death.

he accepts it. 

as much as he'd like to die by ocean water, he knows how he must go. 

he asks t'challa for a favor, and t'challa looks like he starts to understand the tone in his voice so he makes a hasty leave and flies himself out of wakanda. 

he leaves a letter in bucky's quaint little hut that tells him he loves him, and hopes he has the chance to be happy.

as much as steve would like to die, he knows that he has at least a purpose to fulfil.

himself for the rogue's pardons and freedom. he makes the case when he finds ross alone in a parking garage and ross agrees easily. 

he's taken to the raft and he has one more request.

"a death sentence?" ross asks sceptically.

"me alone wouldn't be enough," steve says with a level voice, "my death would. they all get pardoned in exchange for my execution."

"any particular way you wanna go out, captain?" ross asks plainly.

water, the ocean, he thinks. "injection won't work, anything else." he says. he can't have everything he wants, not even in death.

"woah woah, what's happening?" a voice that reminds him fully of why he's here, in the raft, with cuffs on his hands.

"a negotiation." ross answers, voice level.

"with captain america?" tony sounds incredulous, another nail in steve's coffin. of course it's be incredulous to him that steve would ever negotiate anything.

he feels a bit like he's drowning.

"so full pardon? on all of the rogues?" ross ignores stark in favor of clarification.

"wanda gets a pardon and citizenship, clint gets a pardon and gets to go home, same for sam, scott, and natasha." he says plainly, not looking away from ross' eyes. 

"and you're just going to let us-"

steve cuts him off, "yes." he doesn't need to see tony's releaf about his death quite yet.

"and no preferences?"

the ocean, steve thinks desperately. "no," he says again.

"agreed, then. a full pardon."

steve doesn't hear tony's spluttering confusion over the sound of waves in his ears. the feeling of the cold setting in, of drowning too slowly to kill him. the memory of the water freezing him and his last thought being of bucky.

it's over. he wonders if bucky's found his letter yet.

steve wakes up. doesn't expect to, blinks his eyes open to white and it feels so unlike the nothingness he imagined that he knows instantly. he's alive. maybe 70 years in the future again. he'll live, though.

he turns his head and sees tony stark staring out a window, as old as he ever was. so not 70 years into the future.

not dead, not supposed-dead.

he sits up slowly, feels his body healing even now.

he thinks so desperately of the arctic, of the ocean water and the cold. and bucky.

tony notices him waking up.

"took you long enough," is the first words he hears.

"i am supposed to be-"

"dead, i know," the words burn, bite hard and are intended to.

steve had ended up pumped full of a lethal injection to preserve a "humane death". he supposes his body burned it off and they'll try again.

he somehow assumed the doctors agreeing to keep upping the dosage for days, especially if he started to get better, as meaning he wouldn't wake up again.

but he pushes the sarcasm out of his mind.

"why am i not?" he asks. it feels a little morbid in the way his tone is flat and even.

"settled the rogue's thing," is all tony says before he's turning and leaving, "you'll be situated soon enough."

anyone else and those words would be comforting. 

to steve, they feel like failure. 

he fails to rogue's even in his own death. or almost death.

he wonders if he can die in the ocean now, with it's crashing waves and freezing cold.

"steve?" at the voice, steve turns and finds tony staring at him. he can't read he look in the man's eye but then again, he never could.

tony takes steve looking as enough to continue, "why?"

"why?" steve repeats, because he doesn't want to answer the question.

"why did you give up?" tony sounds like a man not looking for a reason but for advice. it curls in steves gut.

"i did what i had to," is all steve says. after all, how do you explain suicide to a person?

a person who hates you nonetheless.

"that's not the reason," tony looks in his eyes like they'll tell him the truth. steve's had practice hiding that, his face is blank.

"i did what i wanted to," steve says, because tony deserves at least a vague answer.

it seems to reach tony, at least.

"you can go back to wakanda, if you want," tony says after a beat of silence, "king t'challa is very forgiving."

steve sighs, "that he is." 

tony leaves.

steve wonders if bucky's found his note.

**Author's Note:**

> I plan on writing a continuation where steve gets better  
> Thanks for reading


End file.
